Why "To Love The Truth"?

Why is this blog entitled "to love the truth"? It's complicated and I can't say I completely understand why I chose that title. But I think I'm looking for a goal, a sense of vision.

I have a complicated relationship with "truth". It might seem strange for a liar to say this, but integrity is very important to me. I don't believe I have much but I cannot continue to live without it. To have integrity is to be whole. So long as you are inventing a false self and hiding who you truly are, you cannot hold on to integrity. I feel like I am at war with my self. There are times when I bitterly resent the "need" to lie and then I resent myself for lying and I resent other people for not accepting the truth. I want to love the truth, but that also means I need to love my truth. But I'm scared and I don't know how and I don't really have a solid grasp on just what the truth is.

Do you know how many ways there are to lie? This is something I'll return to in more depth in subsequent posts, but I'll say a little bit about it now. I'll share an experience. I don't live alone, and many times when I am on the computer I will minimize the window if someone walks by. I will do this even when I am not looking at anything particularly sensitive. This is a kind of lie, a denial of truth, but why? I don't know, and I did it earlier tonight. I don't want anyone to know what I'm looking at, I'm afraid. Of what? Judgment. Why? Rejection? Possibly. But I believe that if I were true to myself then I would embrace my choices and interests, and I wouldn't hide them because they are me. So when I talk about loving the truth, part of that is learning to love myself. That doesn't mean I'll be perfect and that doesn't mean excusing all of my behavior. But how can I change myself if I can't even look at my self as someone worth caring about enough to change?

There is more to loving the truth than embracing personal truth. There is also the very concept of truth. I don't want to be a liar. I don't want to have to think of myself as a liar, I don't want to be the kind of person who lies all the time. Because I want to feel close to the truth. There are spiritual aspects tied up into this, and spirituality will be addressed on this blog. Truth is a higher ideal, and I am definitely an idealist.

So maybe I just want to love something and someone. The someone is me, the something is higher than me, right now I'm calling it truth.