"I'm Really Good At Lying"

A lot of liars think they are good at it. Good at doing it and good at spotting when others do it. Our friends and family might say we're not so good as we believe, but we do get away with it a lot. The elaborate lies really stand out, but all of the little lies we tell throughout the day become so blurred that even we cannot tell what was truth and what was a lie.

Someone once recommended that I take up writing fiction, and I've also heard "start acting". I don't know how useful those recommendations would be for someone who is dealing with a compulsion. Then again, I get the impression that a lot of creative artists suffer from some compulsion or another and they channel it through their art. And as for all the narcissistic pathological liars out there, well you could say the creative arts are filled with them. So I suppose this is something to consider.

There is some creative energy going on and a need for attention that has to be fulfilled somehow. I think the energy I get from telling a "good" whopper is frightening, fascinating, and perverse. That is what has ultimately led me to seek help and given me a renewed resolve to fight the problem. I told a big lie last week and while I was in the middle of it, I felt more alive than I had in weeks. I hate saying that but it's true. After the situation was over and I was alone again, I was crushed with the thought of what a horrible person I am. I used to lie to myself, telling myself that I only lie to make other people happy or to keep them from hurting me. But it felt good while I was lying, and there was something natural about it. I have to figure out what I am getting out of it and how else I can get what I need.