Pathological Lying vs. Compulsive Lying

When I first looked for help with the problem of lying, I looked for help with pathological lying. We've all heard the term "pathological liar" and that is what I thought I was. That word "pathological", it is both discomfiting and oddly relaxing. After all, if what I have is a pathology, a disease, then it's not my fault...right? On the other hand, I don't want to be a "pathological" anything, do I? It sounds so final. But I had never heard of "compulsive lying" before and I did not realize that there was any other possibility.

The website Truth About Deception helped me discover the existence of "compulsive liars" and now I understand why the different terms are necessary.

A pathological liar is usually defined as someone who lies incessantly to get their way and does so with little concern for others. Pathological lying is often viewed as coping mechanism developed in early childhood and it is often associated with some other type of mental health disorder. A pathological liar is often goal-oriented (i.e., lying is focused - it is done to get one's way). Pathological liars have little regard or respect for the rights and feelings of others. A pathological liar often comes across as being manipulative, cunning and self-centered.

That is what I always thought about liars and why it took me a long time to realize that I am a liar. While there are times when I lie to gain something (for example, exaggerating stories for attention), lying is not usually something I think about or plan around. I rarely lie to gain something tangible. I never tell lies to hurt other people. Also, I have a lot of respect for the rights and feelings of others and I am very empathetic. I don't know if I am a narcissist although I very much doubt it, but I know that I am not a sociopath. I would wager that most of the people who search for help on this subject will not be pathological liars. Pathological liars gain from their lies and use lies for power.

On the other hand, here is the description of a compulsive liar:

A compulsive liar is defined as someone who lies out of habit. Lying is their normal and reflexive way of responding to questions. Compulsive liars bend the truth about everything, large and small. For a compulsive liar, telling the truth is very awkward and uncomfortable while lying feels right. Compulsive lying is usually thought to develop in early childhood, due to being placed in an environment where lying was necessary. For the most part, compulsive liars are not overly manipulative and cunning (see, Pathological Liar), rather they simply lie out of habit - an automatic response which is hard to break and one that takes its toll on a relationship.

Sad but true. For me, lying is a bad, pervasive habit much more than a tactic or strategy. It's driving me crazy and because I lie so much I feel like I don't know who I am, what I really want, what I really think or how to relate to others. My lies create a wall that cuts off the possibility of real human connection. That's how I feel. It is easier to lie than it is to tell the truth. I have known people who have difficulty lying. It shows all over their countenance, they may stutter or turn red, and they just look embarrassed. I know someone who just can't help telling the truth even when it hurts. In my opinion this person says way too much but I am probably the last person who can determine that, since I say way too little that is true. However, the point remains that for me, it is truth-telling that is awkward and painful and anxiety-inducing. I have to "plan" to tell the truth, whereas a lie can flow from my lips like water. The worst thing is that I don't think about it, I just do it.

I also identify with the fact that it seemed necessary to lie when I was a child. The truth was not really appreciated. You'd be punished if you told a truth that adults didn't want to hear. Deeper than that, I felt like my own personal truths and way of being were not welcome. I remember being embarrassed when I would reveal myself in some way to my peers in an effort to make friends. My way was always strange, and I'd either be taken advantage of or shunned. I have always felt like an outsider.

Looking at lying as a compulsive habit rather than a pathological state helps me to believe that there could be hope. Bad habits may be terribly hard to break but there are many strategies available and people who can help. Therapy is probably really good for this, and I did tell my therapist about my lying problem. She seemed to take it in stride. The most important thing I have realized is that lying started as a symptom of a problem. While lying has certainly caused problems in my life, whatever is behind it has caused more.

"I'm Really Good At Lying"

A lot of liars think they are good at it. Good at doing it and good at spotting when others do it. Our friends and family might say we're not so good as we believe, but we do get away with it a lot. The elaborate lies really stand out, but all of the little lies we tell throughout the day become so blurred that even we cannot tell what was truth and what was a lie.

Someone once recommended that I take up writing fiction, and I've also heard "start acting". I don't know how useful those recommendations would be for someone who is dealing with a compulsion. Then again, I get the impression that a lot of creative artists suffer from some compulsion or another and they channel it through their art. And as for all the narcissistic pathological liars out there, well you could say the creative arts are filled with them. So I suppose this is something to consider.

There is some creative energy going on and a need for attention that has to be fulfilled somehow. I think the energy I get from telling a "good" whopper is frightening, fascinating, and perverse. That is what has ultimately led me to seek help and given me a renewed resolve to fight the problem. I told a big lie last week and while I was in the middle of it, I felt more alive than I had in weeks. I hate saying that but it's true. After the situation was over and I was alone again, I was crushed with the thought of what a horrible person I am. I used to lie to myself, telling myself that I only lie to make other people happy or to keep them from hurting me. But it felt good while I was lying, and there was something natural about it. I have to figure out what I am getting out of it and how else I can get what I need.

Voicelessness and Lying pt. 1

Could some compulsive liars be covering up for the feeling that they have no voice? Is compulsive lying a mask?

Consider the situation as described in the article "Little Voices":

In "Voicelessness: Narcissism," I presented one way adults react having experienced this scenario in childhood: they constantly try to re-inflate their leaky "self." However, different temperaments spawn different adjustments: some children, by their very nature, are incapable of aggressively seeking attention. If no one is entering their world, they unconsciously employ a different strategy. They diminish their voice, make as few demands as possible, and bend themselves like a pretzel to fit their parents' world.

As a child, my home environment was chaotic, messy, and often violent and neglectful. I learned to keep the truth to myself at a very early age because no one wanted to hear my truths. Perhaps they couldn't handle it, not with all of the problems they had to deal with. Perhaps I was too often invisible and weird. In my fantasies I always had a voice but I don't think the "real world" ever measured up to the fantasies I could control. So you learn to adapt and lying is a powerful adaptation tool. From telling people what you think they want to hear to telling them what you think they need to hear (parenting the parents), voiceless children may learn that lying is a key to stable relationships.

I still have a deep fear of chaos, rejection and pain, and I need to control the situation. This can spawn big lies, for example, I might invent a serious illness and even seek help for it in order to create a sympathetic situation for myself. I often feel pressure to be someone people can like, someone people can care about, and when you feel like a "victim" you associate caring with sympathy and compassion. But usually I tell lots of "little" lies, like telling someone I ate something healthy for dinner when I did not in order to avoid judgment, or telling someone that I'm not using something that I really am using because I sense that they want to use it.

Children with diminished voices can be very sensitive to the emotions and needs of others, and will often subjugate their own needs and true feelings. By necessity, this requires some degree of lying and fakery. If you become adept at it, you might start to lie by default and become oversensitive to pressure and the judgments of others. All of the lying only deepens your sense of invisibility and shame, because now people can never hear your true voice and it is worse because it is your fault.

I think that one of the keys to conquering the problem of compulsive lying is finding the courage to share your real voice. Your real hopes, desires, impressions and experiences. You might not value them very much because you weren't taught to value them. But it is never too late to find your voice.

Narcissism is the other side of the voicelessness coin and narcissism is one thing I've been accused of, when I disclosed my compulsive lying to others. I will look at that in the next part.

Why "To Love The Truth"?

Why is this blog entitled "to love the truth"? It's complicated and I can't say I completely understand why I chose that title. But I think I'm looking for a goal, a sense of vision.

I have a complicated relationship with "truth". It might seem strange for a liar to say this, but integrity is very important to me. I don't believe I have much but I cannot continue to live without it. To have integrity is to be whole. So long as you are inventing a false self and hiding who you truly are, you cannot hold on to integrity. I feel like I am at war with my self. There are times when I bitterly resent the "need" to lie and then I resent myself for lying and I resent other people for not accepting the truth. I want to love the truth, but that also means I need to love my truth. But I'm scared and I don't know how and I don't really have a solid grasp on just what the truth is.

Do you know how many ways there are to lie? This is something I'll return to in more depth in subsequent posts, but I'll say a little bit about it now. I'll share an experience. I don't live alone, and many times when I am on the computer I will minimize the window if someone walks by. I will do this even when I am not looking at anything particularly sensitive. This is a kind of lie, a denial of truth, but why? I don't know, and I did it earlier tonight. I don't want anyone to know what I'm looking at, I'm afraid. Of what? Judgment. Why? Rejection? Possibly. But I believe that if I were true to myself then I would embrace my choices and interests, and I wouldn't hide them because they are me. So when I talk about loving the truth, part of that is learning to love myself. That doesn't mean I'll be perfect and that doesn't mean excusing all of my behavior. But how can I change myself if I can't even look at my self as someone worth caring about enough to change?

There is more to loving the truth than embracing personal truth. There is also the very concept of truth. I don't want to be a liar. I don't want to have to think of myself as a liar, I don't want to be the kind of person who lies all the time. Because I want to feel close to the truth. There are spiritual aspects tied up into this, and spirituality will be addressed on this blog. Truth is a higher ideal, and I am definitely an idealist.

So maybe I just want to love something and someone. The someone is me, the something is higher than me, right now I'm calling it truth.

Welcome

This blog is for people who believe they suffer from compulsive lying. There are many web resources and support forums for those who are dealing with liars, and you are welcome here as well. However, there is a sad dearth of resources and support for liars who want to overcome the problem.

Nobody wants to be called a liar. Many cultures view liars as the worst of the worst, although interestingly not all cultures agree on what constitutes "lying". Deception is a betrayal of society and is only pardoned if the society is worth betraying (for example, lying to conceal Jews in Nazi Germany).

Then there are "little lies" which are often acceptable. In fact, society sanctions a great deal of lying and even encourages it but few people will call it that. Liars may find that they receive more positive feedback and benefit from lying. The conflicting messages can make it extremely difficult to overcome this problem. It is hard to find support. If you admit to being a compulsive liar, you may lose your family and friends. Of course, if you don't admit to it you will often end up there anyway. But you may think you can control for that outcome by telling more lies, by "cleaning up", by covering your trail, and even by starting over with new friends and lovers. But where-ever you go, there you are, and the deep sense of shame will follow you.

Psychology recognizes the existence of "compulsive lying" but there is very little information regarding treatment. You have to be willing to trust someone, and trust is very difficult for a compulsive liar. Not only are we aware of our own lack of trustworthiness, but many times we lie because we don't trust others with our truths, our selves. How can we trust a therapist with what seems to be a moral problem? How can we be sure we're not just bad or permanently damaged in some way? What if we're just making more excuses and lying to ourselves?

I have come to believe that compulsive lying is the symptom of another underlying problem, and that underlying cause is not usually the fault of the liar. I am not going to excuse the behavior but quite frankly I'm tired of feeling bad about myself because that's getting me nowhere. If you feel the same then this blog is for you. If we're going to be proactive then we have to face everything, and that includes facing the fact that it's not all just a matter of "character". We have to explore other approaches and perspectives.

My ultimate goal is to trust: trust myself, trust others, trust the truth. This blog will be here in case another liar turns to the internet in desperation, looking for someone who understands their deepest shame, looking for help and hope.